Soliloquy: Conversation With Myself


“Dude you have been unhappy lately and I’m really concerned. Talk to me what’s eating you up?”

“I really can’t say specifically what’s the cause of my moodiness. It’s complicated.”

“How about you break it down…”

“I don’t know where to start from really.”

“Start from the beginning.”


“Take your time pal, take your time.”

“I feel useless right now, it’s like I’m just wasting oxygen cos I’m not really being productive…”


“It’s been over two years now since I graduated, over six months since NYSC was completed, by now I should have been fully engaged in something worthwhile. Something I’m really passionate about, living my dreams and realising my set goals. I’ve it all planned out but right now my plans seem to be collapsing like tiles of dominoes.”

“C’mon don’t be pessimistic, remember the verse in the bible that says all things work together for good… Your present circumstance might not really seem auspicious but on the brighter side it just could be working out for your good. Just like the ole saying goes: light shines the brightest when the night is darkest. So chin up bro!”

“Hian! What a smooth talker you are, prolly you should take up motivational speaking as a career just like them Fela Durutoyes, Sam Adeyemis, Niyi Adesanyas et al.”

“Hahahaha not a bad idea, I’ll take that under advisement.”

“Please do.”

“Alright pal. So we don’t trail off from the crux of our conversation, let’s focus on you. So as you were saying…”

“Uhm what was I even saying sef? Biko remind me I don forget.”

“You were telling me about why you’re unhappy and you mentioned being idle or as you put it, unproductive, as one of the reasons for your somberness.”

“Oh, yeah I remember now. Don’t mind me jare, my memory is like a basket, I forget things easily.”

“I see…”

“Hmmm na wetin you see ni?”

“Hahahahaha just like the nusery rhyme goes: I see the moon…”

“Moon indeed, shebi moon dey inside this room abi?”

“Biko make we leave jokes for Alibaba… Let’s continue with our conversation, can we?”

“Yes we can!”

“You’re feeling like Obama abi?”

“Before nko.”

“Hehehehe I haff hia you. So how do you feel now?”

“Still the same.”

“How about your girlfriend?”


“Do you have a girlfriend?”

“No I don’t but why do you ask?”

“I feel maybe if you have one, you’d have someone you can always talk to and confide in. And that would’ve made you feel less miserable, I think.”

“Well, like I said I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“How old are you again?”

“C’mon what does my age have to do with this conversation eh?”

“Your own dey your body sha? Answer my quenshun joo.”

“Wareeeva! I’m two two.”

“Hahahaha two two ke? Is that your age or the CGPA you graduated with?”

“How funny, el-oh-el.”

“El oh el indeed. Just teasing you joo.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“You’re gay.”

“Excuse me?”

“Hahahahaha shebi na you say make I tell you wetin you no know? Yeah, I just told you one.”

“Still don’t get you, how am I gay?”

“You’re twenty two and you don’t have a girlfriend, that makes you gay.”

“Hahahaha you no well o. So all those Catholic priests wey dey unmarried, dem be homo abi?”

“Hmmmm na you get your mouth o, I no talk so abeg o…”

“So you sabi beg abi? Silly boy.”

“So why don’t you have a girlfriend?”


“Stop being sarcastic, answer the question joo.”

“Well, if you must know. All the babes wey I toast no one gree for me. Happy now?”

“Na wa for you o, na quarrel?”

“Sorry, no vex.”

“It’s alright, I really understand how you feel. Being rejected by the ones you loved must have really been hard for you I guess…”

“It used to weigh me down but not anymore.”


“Yeah, really.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Can you deal?”

“Try me.”

“Hmmmm I know this might sound crazy and weird but I’ve decided not to get married or get into any amorous relationship with the opposite sex.”

“The heck! Are you kidding me?”

“I’m fucking serious.”

“Whoa! Whoa! Do you want to become a priest or what?”

“Far from it, I’d end up like 2Face Idibia entering the place in-between the thighs of all the nuns in my parish if I ever became one.”

“So what’s the reason then?”

“I became born again.”

“Born again? As in you gave your life to Christ or what do you mean?”

“Hmmmmmmmm Justin Bieber on fleek…”

“Please don’t digress, this is serious.”

“I know.”

“What about you becoming born again?”

“I had a reorientation, I discovered myself.”

“I’m listening.”

“I realized the only way I could be happy is by living a selfless life.”


“There’s the popular saying, love your neighbor as yourself. You familiar with it right?”


“Good. I once thought so too at a time, until recently. I want to love my neighbor more than myself, as conceited or impractical as it sounds, I do mean it. That’s the only way I can live happily and be fulfilled.”

“Hmmmm you’re being too idealistic if you ask me but again how does that apply to you not getting married?”

“Let me explain. There’s so much selfishness in the world, people don’t really care much about others; they’ll be like well I’ve to care about myself (and family) first before I can consider others. There are millions of homeless people around, orphans, the old ones without anyone to look after them, the sick dying without access to medical care, hungry children starving to death, children who are supposed to be in school hawking along traffic which put their lives in danger, and so on…”

“You still haven’t made your point.”

“So I asked myself, what really do I seek in a relationship or marriage?”

“Tell me.”

“It all boils down to sex, implicitly or explicitly. Another selfish aim if you ask me.”

“Are you for real?”

“Hold your peace, I’m not done yet.”

“Sorry, please go ahead.”

“I get married, and in time I’ll have kids of my own. I’m bound to be committed to my kids and my wife cos they are mine (nkem).”

“Is anything wrong with that?”

“Not at all but then I it struck me, instead of marrying a wife and giving birth to a couple kids (which is the norm), I realized I could instead devout my life being a husband to the widows, and to those (disadvantaged) ladies without a man to care for them, I also want to be a father to the orphans and to those innocent homeless kids. That’s the family I really want to have. I want to live for others, not for myself.”

“Na wa o, you for just say you wan become Jesus na.”

“Nah, I’m not perfect, I just want to be different…I want to be me.”

“Don’t you think with this kind of life you’ve painted you’re going to end up lonely?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Hmmmm probably in time you’ll realize how unpragmatic this ideology of yours is and you’ll change your mind. You once told me you’re very emotional, and are easily drawn to the ladies. What happens to your feelings?”

“I think once you take away sex from an amorous relationship what’s left is friendship. And that’s what I really need, genuine friendship. The sort Jesus had with Mary and Martha. No sex attached.”

“So when your hormones turns you on, and you’re all horny and aroused, how will you deal?”

“I’ll jack off!”

“I said it, you’re gay.”


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